She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
