omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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