everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
