First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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