My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
