i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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