my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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