I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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