update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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