halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
