just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
