If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
