you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
