I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
