You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
