These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
