When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
