sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Found the puke drawer
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh god it's open bar.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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