she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
