If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
