I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
