Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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