Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
