Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
