I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
