a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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