I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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