Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You've changed since you got that strap on
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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