if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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