Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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