so explain again why im purple
no
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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