I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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