Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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