I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
