It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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