i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
