i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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