I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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