I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
