i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
