New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
