my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
