i can't believe i had my finger in that
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
