Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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