you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your cock deserves a montage
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
