Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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