my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
