I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
