I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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