i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
