Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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