I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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